That's Good Eats Alright
by C-C-C-Crack Pairings
Summary: Alton Brown x Holiday Foods. Specials on Food Network, no one would expect this. Will do one for each of the important holidays.
1. Thanksgiving Special  Turkey

**|Episode 1 - Thanksgiving Special - Katherine|**

Katherine plopped down onto her couch and gave an exasperated sigh. She couldn't sleep tonight, and nothing good seemed to come on TV at 3 a.m. She fumbled around in the dark for the TV remote, not wanting to turn on the lights in case she would wake up her husband sleeping in another room.

"Aha!" She shout-whispered, fist-pumping the air. She slipped her hand out of the couch cushions with her remote, and turned on her television only for it to be turned all the way up. She quickly - and not very gracefully - turned the volume down, glancing around to make sure her husband hadn't woken. She sighed gratefully when she heard him still snoring in their shared room. She flipped through the channels. She saw infomercials galore, groaning when she found nothing. Lifetime - Paid Programming. E! - Paid Programming. Style - Paid Programming. Did the Gods hate her?

Finally, she came across the Food Network, Good Eats just now coming on, and another episode of it was coming on afterwards until paid programming. She was grateful that she could at least watch a little bit of television before trudging back to bed, attempting to sleep. It was a Friday night anyway. It wouldn't matter.

She laid the remote back down on the cushion next to her and placed her hand on her cheek, resting her elbow on the couch's arm.

"Hello, welcome to Good Eats, this is Alton Brown and today we're making a turkey, perhaps _the _most classic main course for your Thanksgiving feast."

Katherine glanced at her calendar, noting that today was the 18th. _Oh. I guess it is time for those types of shows._

The TV's image flashed to Alton in front of a light pink coloured turkey in a square pan. He was rubbing the side of the turkey, just a little bit too unusually. Katherine shifted a bit uncomfortably in her chair, but proceeded to watch.

"This is the correct way to caress your turkey for a _very _satisfying meal." Alton said, wiggling his eyebrows into the camera.

Alton then sat down on a green, obviously Christmas-coloured loveseat, and notably took his shirt off. Katherine rubbed her eyes, sure that she was dreaming. Alton took the turkey and rubbed it against his chest, which was very hairy. Katherine shook her head in disgust, thinking that he surely got chest hair on that turkey. She hoped he wasn't going to eat it, but at the same time she did, so maybe some of this would make sense.

"_This _is the correct way to tenderize your turkey." Alton was saying now, twisting and turning the turkey on his chest while moaning.

Katherine glanced around, suddenly becoming paranoid that someone may be watching her watch something so... vulgar.

Alton then took off his glasses and took his turkey to a room with a bed in it. It looked strangely similar to a hotel room, clean and crisp looking. Katherine suddenly wondered what the hell was going on - this was **not **the Good Eats she enjoyed watching every once in a while. But she couldn't compel herself to turn away.

Alton pushed the turkey onto the bed and grabbed some seasoner out from under the bed - God knows how it got there - and starting jumping up and down on the bed, seasoning the turkey while doing so. The camera zoomed in on the turkey bouncing around back and forth. When Alton was done - after overseasoning the turkey, Katherine might add - he kneeled down close to the mass of meat and... was he licking it? He was licking the turkey. He also rubbed himself against the turkey, moaning while doing so. The camera zoomed in on them, and Alton starting frenching it while romantic music played in the background. Piano, it sounds like.

Alton suddenly - with his shirt off, mind you - smiled and promptly started unzipping his pants. Katherine lifted her elbow off of her couch and leaned forward intently.

Soon, Alton's pants were off and he was in boxers. He rubbed his thigh against the turkey and moaned even more.

Then he was taking off his boxers. Soon he was opening the side of the turkey that you stuff and you could see Alton's butt on television and oh my God. Katherine snatched up the remote and turned off her television.

She didn't know what the hell that was, but she'll never look at turkey the same way again.


	2. Christmas Special Ham

**|Episode 2 - Christmas Special - Zooey|**

Zooey opened her eyes with a start, sitting up in her bed before bringing a hand to her forehead. Some nightmare. She'd been having those a lot lately, not knowing where they've been coming from. But this one was awful. She glanced around the room until her eyes found her alarm clock. 3:26 AM. She'd have to get up in an hour for work, anyway, so she figured she'd just get up anyway. She swung her feet over the edge of her bed and moved her covers. After making up her bed, she walked into her living room.

Zooey glanced around. Her apartment was small, to say the least, and she lived alone. She only owned one couch and she was lucky she had a television. She stood up and walked over to her DIRECTV box and flipped through the channels manually. Even in a tiny place like this, it was easy to lose a remote. Especially when you're Zooey.

Zooey's back began to sore at the angle she was bent at, so she hurried through the channels, not paying much attention to what was on them. Finally, she found the Food Network. An episode of Good Eats was just going off, then another would come on. Zooey went into the kitchen and poured herself a bowl of cereal, plopping down on her couch.

The theme song was on, but Zooey could barely hear it over the crunching in her mouth. She turned the volume up a few notches.

The image on the screen started out with Alton Brown in front of a large ham. It looked about the biggest size you could get, and Zooey snorted. Leave it to Food Network to get the most expensive food. There was no way in hell or heaven she could get a pig that huge.

"Now right here we have a butt-end smoked ham. This weighs about, eh, maybe 7 or 8 pounds. Place the ham in a roasting pan and lightly score it with a sharp knife all around. Stir some dijon mustard, orange marmalade and black pepper together in a small mixing bowl with a spoon."

He did that alright. He mixed it all together, rubbing each ingredient across his... erm, backside, every time he added the ingredient, then moaning when he put it in the bowl. (Note, the bowl was Christmas coloured. Ugh.)

_He is some freaky dude. _Zooey thought.

"_Slather _the mixture alllllllll over the ham. Mmmm!" Alton was saying now, getting a cooking brush and even putting some of the ugly mixture on his cheek. Gross.

Next, he took the ham into a kitchen. Nothing was particularly odd about the kitchen, oh just, you know, there was a bed in the middle of the room, and only an oven was inside this room.

Alton put the ham on the bed and started straddling it, licking some of the mixture off of it - gag - and rubbing himself against it in a very seductive way. "This helps the ham cook better - mmmm! - and any self respecting chef would help its ham cook properly."

Zooey guffawed. Yeah, right. Like she's going to do all _that _for a ham. She _has _a boyfriend, thank you very much. And it looks like Alton is in dire need of a girlfriend. All of this is utter bullshit. Freaky bullshit. Zooey sat in her seat completely immersed in the show, but although as disgusted as she was, this was. surprisingly enticing.

"OH YES HAM! YES YES YES HAM!" Alton screamed into the camera, after an intense moment of rubbing his hind-end against the red ham. He smirked as he slid the ham into the oven, turning back towards the camera. "Your ham should bake for 20 minutes, then you should remove the ham..."

A time skip occured, the screen saying, '20 Minutes Later'. Alton was removing the ham, and Zooey noted that he was naked. Not completely, just without his shirt and pants. He was wearing white briefs. Huh, she would've pegged him for a boxers kind of guy.

He rubbed the pan against his midsection before moaning loudly. "MMM, HAM, I LIKE IT HOT." He exclaimed, bringing the ham to eye level and the camera zooming in on them. "So does Hammy."

Zooey choked on the orange juice she was drinking, bursting into laughter. This dude is a riot. Totally. But this shit is fucked. Up.

He took a few cans of crescent rolls and banged them against his bare thigh, dumping them on top of the ham. "Now put it back in the oven for cooking..."

Another time skip. This time it showed Alton on the bed with the ham, and you could see his completely naked body on television. "Now you need to rub your-" He wiggles his eyebrows. "-against the ham."

Zooey stood up abruptly right then, she could sit through everything else, but that right there was some kinky shit. Zooey went back to bed.


	3. Valentine's Day Strawberries & Cocktails

**|Episode 3 - Valentine's Day Special - Sophie|**

Sophie sighed, hearing her daughter cry in another bedroom. Her eyes were fogged with sleep, glazed over, and it took just about all of her exhausted energy just to pry her door open. She stepped right across the hallway and pushed the cracked door open all the way.

Her footfalls were quiet, trying not to disturb her daughter any further. Her thin hand curled around the white bar of the crib, her brown hair falling over her shoulders. She swept it back with one hand, noting how incredibly messy it must be. She's definitely not getting any more sleep tonight.

Sophie's daughter, Marceline, stretched a tiny hand up towards her mother, eyes soaked with tears. Red rimmed her eyes and Sophie felt a round of guilt in her stomach, how long had she been crying before her daughter woke up? She could barely see in the darkness, only a cloud nightlight helped her see the newborn under blankets.

Sophie lifted a crying Marceline into her arms, cooing while she slowly swung her arms. "Shhh, Marcie, it's okay... Want to go watch TV?"

Sophie carried her into the Living Room and leaned down carefully with the baby in her arms, turning on the television and grabbing the remote off the top of the TV.

The station was on the Food Network, and it being exactly 3:00 AM, Good Eats right about to come on. Sophie tapped the 'Info' button, reading the description.

'Alton's Valentine's Day Treats' was the title. Sophie blinked, remembering that it was close to Valentine's Day. Too bad she had no one to get a Valentine from. She sighed heavily. As much as she loved Marceline, she wished she would have someone to love on Valentine's Day. If it wasn't for her boyfriend and his awesome ditching powers - ditching may be an understatement, considering he moved to another state upon finding out she was pregnant - she might have someone to love and not be with a baby at sixteen. She may have regretted her choice, but never Marceline. She felt guilty thinking about it.

She laid the baby on her lap, cradling her head, and exited the info.

"Hello, I'm Alton Brown and this is, of course, Good Eats. Valentine's Day draws near and today I have two tasty recipes for you." The theme song flashed across the screen quickly, then Alton was back on the screen in front of a bag of chocolates, labeled semi-sweet.

"Contrary to what you might think, making chocolate-covered strawberries for your sweetheart on Valentine's day is easy, quick and takes under and hour to make." Alton said, picking up the bag of strawberries. "To make 20 strawberries, you'll need 6 ounces of semi-sweet chocolates. Chop them roughly and throw them into a pot until melted completely, and remember to stir occasionally."

Alton did as he instructed, it melted, then disgustingly put his whole hand into the chocolate and rubbed it across the back of his pants. "Contrary to what you might think, I did not make a mess in my pants."

Alton pulled his pants down, showing his bare bottom on television for crying out loud, as if for proof. Then he took more, did the same again with a thick layer and stuck a strawberry to the back of his pants, continuing as if nothing happened. Sophie wrinkled her nose. Was she dreaming? Probably not her, but looking down, Marceline was.

"Next, you need to get WHITE chocolate. I'm not racist!" Alton smirked then turned into a look of indignation. He slapped a hand over his heart dramatically. "What? I'm not, I swear! It doesn't matter to me if you like it black or white!" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

The screen cut to Alton with one butt cheek painted white, the other black, then shifted back to him. "See?"

Alton drizzled the melted white chocolate over the chocolate covered strawberries.

"Our next recipe is Love Cocktails. Our Love Flavours, as I call them, are raspberry, chocolate, and cream." He stated, grabbing ingredients. "You'll need tequila, creme de cacao, Chambord and cream, served with raspberries for prettiness."

"Shake all these ingredients together in a cocktail shaker, then pour it over your head and try to gather it back into the glass. The added love helps."

"Despite what you may think, cocktails have nothing to do with cocks, so this recipe is lesbian friendly." Alton said, gathering the drink into a glass.

Sophie turned off the television and carefully lifted herself up, intending to take Sophie to bed. That's quite enough of that.


End file.
